


The perfect words never crossed my mind ('cause there was nothing in there but you)

by ca_te



Series: Slipping through time [7]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Past Character Death, Reincarnation, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-05
Updated: 2012-03-05
Packaged: 2017-11-01 12:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/356816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Arthur kisses Merlin is nothing like what you see in a movie or read in a book.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The perfect words never crossed my mind ('cause there was nothing in there but you)

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song "Signal fire" by Snow Patrol.

The first time Arthur kisses Merlin is nothing like what you see in a movie or read in a book.

It doesn’t happen on that morning in May, when Arthur woke up beside Merlin, his mind still crammed with white skin and blue eyes. It doesn’t happen on a night at the end of July when they’re lying on the grass in front of one of Uther’s country houses and Merlin scoots closer to him, his hand holding Arthur’s as they try to remember constellations’ names.

When it happens it’s a quiet day at the beginning of September when they have yet to start attending college.

They’re sitting on Arthur’s bed, sipping Jasmine tea. Their legs are tangled together and a soothing warmth has settled at the bottom of Arthur’s stomach.

Lately, the dreams have become more frequent- strings of hands and tears and broken promises whispered under white sheets and stony arches.

Sometimes he wakes up in the morning feeling like a stranger in his own body- the longing engraved in his bones.

Merlin keeps being himself, instead, with his constant affection and unwavering support. He is the one who appears on Arthur’s doorsteps after he has had a fight with Uther for the umpteenth time, the one who holds him and lets Arthur’s angry tears soak his Star Trek t-shirt.

Merlin is the only thing that can keep Arthur sane until the time to finally leave his father’s house for university will come.

Arthur closes his eyes, lulled by the buzz that spreads through him from where his shoulder presses against Merlin’s.

Merlin’s voice washes over him; it makes him think of warm water on a freezing day.

“You just have to hold on a little bit longer and then you’ll be free.”

Merlin’s fingers gently squeeze Arthur’s jeans-clad knee.

“You’ll be there with me, right?”

Merlin’s answer is barely a whisper and yet it resounds clear like a bell in the small space between them.

“Of course! I would never let you go.”

Arthur’s eyes fly open; the memory of a dream he had a few nights before glistening as fresh paint in a corner of his mind.

_Arthur felt cold, his limbs heavy; he tried to breathe but a gurgling sound echoed through the thick air as he did so._

_Warm fingers brushed his hair away from his forehead; he blinked his eyes open and found himself staring into the night-blue of Merlin’s eyes._

_“I…I don’t want to die, Merlin.”_

_It sounded so childish and useless, but taking in the soft curve of Merlin’s lips the only thing that Arthur could think of was that he didn’t want to let go of him just yet._

_Tears started to run down Merlin’s pale cheeks. Arthur swallowed, forcing his tongue to work._

_“I...I wish I had been brave enough to just be with you.”_

_His heart felt heavy with the knowledge of how badly he had hurt them both, burying his feelings because a king needed a queen, because he didn’t want to disappoint his people and his father’s ghost._

_“Arthur…don’t…”_

_Arthur shook his head, pain shooting behind his eyes at the movement._

_“It…you have always been the one, though.”_

_He could taste blood on his tongue, coppery and warm._

_“Just…don’t let go of me.”_

_A sob ripped past Merlin’s pale lips. The wind blowing over the plane, over the bodies scattered all around, tugged at Merlin’s words._

_“I never let go of you. I never will.”_

_It sounded like a goodbye. It sounded like a promise._

Arthur blinks and turns towards Merlin. He is looking at him, his eyes clear. All of sudden Arthur’s ribcage feels too tight; his heart flutters against it like a bird in a cage.

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost!”

Arthur smiles, his gaze sliding from the elegant curve of Merlin’s cheekbones to his lips.

_You are the only thing that my eyes seem to be able to see._

His arm feels heavy as he lifts it. Merlin’s skin is smooth under his fingertips. Arthur has never been brave enough to touch him like this before. It’s terrifying and at the same time nothing has ever felt more perfect than this.

There are so many things he wishes he could say- _please, let me kiss you; I constantly dream about you; you have already promised you wouldn’t let me go; I’ve already loved you so much that it hurts._ None of this escapes Arthur’s lips, though, before they gently brush against Merlin’s.

Merlin’s lips taste of jasmine tea and almonds; his eyelashes flutter like black butterfly wings.

Kissing him is like forgetting how to make his body work properly. Arthur has been dreaming about this for so long that when Merlin’s hands land on his shoulders he briefly wonders if they’re real. He can feel them digging in the soft material of his pullover, though. He can feel all of Merlin- the warmth of his breath, the softness of his lips.

It feels like drowning and Arthur thinks that he would gladly die in the infinitesimal space separating his body from Merlin’s.

Blood keeps thundering along his veins as Merlin’s kisses him back almost carefully.

When they break apart, Ice settles at the bottom of Arthur’s stomach, though. He holds his breath; his lungs almost burning.

Merlin blinks, his cheeks flushed and his eyes darker than Arthur has ever seen them. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times before speaking.

“Arthur…”

It sounds like a plea and right now Arthur knows all too well that he would do anything Merlin asked. He nods, not trusting his voice.

“Arthur…I…”

There are so many emotions painted on the porcelain of Merlin’s features, but Arthur has known the boy in front of him since they were kids and he can read through them- confusion, curiosity, fear and something that lurks too deep in the navy blue of his eyes for him to catch.

He wishes he could say something, tell Merlin that he is sorry for kissing him, tell him that everything is alright, but his voice is still lost somewhere in between the accelerated beats of his heart.

“I..I’ve to go.”

Arthur blinks, surrounded by the sounds Merlin makes as he gets off the bed, rustling of sheets and clinking of mugs.

He tries to find the right words, to ask him to stay, but there are no right words, there’s only Merlin, in front of him, inside of him- in his mind and heart-, so deep that Arthur can’t tell where he finishes and where his love for Merlin begins.

“I’m sorry.”

Merlin’s words float in the silence of the room as he slips out of the door. It’s only when the sound of the house’s door being closed reverberates up the stairs that Arthur moves. He lies back on his bed; he wishes he could cry or shout but nothing comes out. His ribcage feels too small to contain all of it.

When he is reaching for his mobile phone to send Merlin a text his vision starts to blur at the edges.

He is standing in the middle of a corridor, surrounded by white stone walls and holding his sword. Shouts echo from somewhere nearby, there’s blood on the floor and two men laying there unconscious. Merlin is standing in front of him, panting, his eyes still glowing gold. Arthur knows he is supposed to say something, he knows he is supposed to be furious because Merlin has lied to him all this time, but neither the words nor the anger come. There’s no space left for them, there’s only Merlin, with his eyes wide and his face pale, Merlin who has just saved his life, Merlin whom Arthur keeps loving even though he has a wife, even though he chose to sacrifice their love years ago.

“Arthur…I can explain, I…”

Arthur shakes his head and moves towards Merlin until he is close enough to cup his face, his thumbs gently sliding over the line of his cheekbones.

“It’s not the first time that you saved my life like this.”

It’s not a question, because he already knows the answer. Merlin remains silent, his eyes wide and worried; he reminds Arthur of the boy who arrived in Camelot one day at the end of summer.

There are so many things he wants to say and yet he knows that none of them would make sense after they made choices  they can’t take back. So he simply leans over and presses his lips against Merlin’s dry ones.

It has been so long since they last kissed, since they last were so close. Arthur’s heart leaps painfully inside of his ribcage.

It only lasts few seconds because the battle is still ongoing and when they pull apart Merlin gives him a small, broken smile. Arthur doesn’t say anything, he simply takes Merlin’s hand and presses it over his heart. Then, without a word he takes a step back and turns, running towards the shouts and the sounds of sword against sword.

Arthur grabs his mobile phone and holds onto it as though it is a life line. Without even thinking about it he brings his head up to his chest and presses it over his heart.

In that moment he knows; he knows that he was in that corridor with Merlin for real. He knows that he has already had Merlin and has already lost him.

_To Merlin:_

_I’m sorry._

And he isn’t sure anymore if he is apologizing for the kiss or for all the love and the pain that tainted them centuries ago.


End file.
